


both sides now

by downhillnow



Series: both sides now-verse [1]
Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Baby Fic, Drabble, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-05 20:42:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20495030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/downhillnow/pseuds/downhillnow
Summary: "I've looked at love from both sides now."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, so I apologise for any mistakes.

**Breath**

Therese was staring down at the tiny creature in the bassinet next to their bed. She lightly placed her hand on the small chest and let her hand rise and fall along with the baby’s breathing. She knew that sleep was a precious commodity these days, but she found it hard to let go of her insecurities and fall asleep. The need to check that their daughter was breathing was constant.

“Therese?” Came a sleepy voice from the other side of the bed. “What is it? Is she hungry again?” Carol asked while sitting up to see what was going on.

“No, it’s okay,” Therese quickly replied as not to worry her wife. She hesitated before adding quietly, “I’m just scared something will happen to her when I’m asleep.” Therese looked down at their daughter so she wouldn’t have to meet Carol’s eyes when admitting this.

“I know, darling. When Rindy was born I watched over her constantly, not knowing what to do with either of us.” Carol gave Therese a reassuring smile. “But the fear lessens somewhat over time, I promise.” When Carol saw the clear scepticism on Therese’s face, she let out a quiet laugh.

“Come lie down with me,” Carol said softly. “She’ll be fine. And we’re right here if there’s something wrong.” Therese finally gave in to Carol’s convincing and let her hand fall from the baby’s chest. She carefully tucked the blanket around the baby, ensuring that everything was alright before turning back to the bed and getting in.

Therese slid across the bed and curled into Carol’s side. She leaned in to place a kiss on Carol’s neck before relaxing into her warm embrace.

“Thank you.”

* * *

**False**

“I’m really sorry.” The doctor gave them what was supposed to be a sympathetic smile. “Sometimes these things happen. The home tests are unfortunately not always reliable and may give a false positive.”

Carol looked over at Therese. Both their faces reflected the same sense of utter defeat. This was supposed to be the time that it finally worked, and they would have the baby they both longed so desperately for.

“Do you want to schedule another procedure while you’re here?” the doctor asked hesitantly.

“I…” Carol had to clear her throat to continue her sentence. She locked eyes with Therese, who gave her a small nod of confirmation. “I think we need some time.”

* * *

**Sheet**

The piercing cry startled her awake. She looked over at Therese who was already scrambling to get untangled from the sheets to get to the source of the noise.

“Ouch,” Therese muttered after stubbing her toe against the crib in the corner of their room. Carol stifled a small laugh at the scene, which happened at least once every night. She proceeded to unbutton her sleep shirt and get ready for one of the many nightly feeds they were doing these days.

“Hi, baby,” Therese murmured down to their daughter. “Is someone hungry, hmm?”

Therese brought the baby over to their bed and carefully maneuvered her into Carol’s arms. The baby had graduated to soft whimpers as she latched on to Carol’s breast. The sensation was still so foreign to Carol but the experience of such closeness with her baby was precious to her.

“You guys good?” Therese mumbled sleepily, her eyes already closing.

Carol looked down at their daughter whose eyes were also closing as the rhythmic nursing continued.

“Yeah, we’re good,” she replied while smiling softly at her already sleeping wife.

* * *

**Water**

The water of the shower was beating down on her. She didn’t know how long she had been standing in the shower as time seemed to have ceased passing since their appointment that afternoon.

She heard the bathroom door open, but didn’t turn around. “Carol?” A hesitant voice came over the noise of the pounding water. “Carol, I think it’s time to come out now. You’ve been in here a long time.”

Without replying, Carol turned off the water and turned around. She looked at Therese’s worried face, not knowing what to say.

“Come here,” Therese said while holding up a towel for Carol to step into. Instead of just wrapping the towel around Carol, Therese wrapped her in her arms as well. Therese held her tightly and rocked her back and forth.

The tears that had been threatening to fall all afternoon finally came.

“I’m sorry.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn't my first language, so I apologise for any mistakes.
> 
> A, I couldn't do this without you. <3

**Role**

“Knock, knock,” Therese said while carefully pushing the door to the hospital room open. Carol was propped up against what seemed to be a mountain of pillows with the baby sleeping on her chest. Her hair was still in the braid Therese had hurriedly done before the pushing started hours ago. 

“Someone wants to meet their baby sister.”

Rindy was hiding behind Therese while tightly clutching her hand, slightly apprehensive about this new addition to their family. They had spent countless nights reading her children’s books about having a sibling to try to prepare her for the somewhat monumental change that would happen to her little world.

Carol gave her daughter a tired smile and tried to put on a brave face despite the utter exhaustion she was feeling.

“Do you want to come and sit with Mommy, Rindy?” Carol’s question seemed to quell Rindy’s initial hesitation and she hurried over to Carol, trying her best to climb the high bed.

Carol settled Rindy beside her and then carefully placed the baby in the little girl’s lap, helping her support the baby’s head.

“Oh,” Rindy breathed out before looking up at Carol in awe. “She’s so tiny, Mommy!”

The pure adoration on Carol’s face was reflected across the room where Therese stood quietly taking the moment in. Therese came over to the hospital bed and perched at the end of it. Carol looked up from Rindy and caught Therese gazing softly at the trio.

“I love you,” she mouthed at Therese.

* * *

**Yearning**

“I’m not getting any younger,” Carol said into the darkness of their bedroom. They had gone to bed an hour earlier and neither had said a word since. They both knew what was happening the following day. Instead of talking about what was on both of their minds they had been laying side by side, staring up at the ceiling while the room filled with anxiousness and oppressive silence. 

“I’m not getting any younger,” she repeated. Carol’s voice was tight with emotion as she struggled to get the words out. “If this next procedure doesn’t work… I don’t think I can go through it again, and it not working.”

Therese rolled over onto her side to look at Carol. Carol wouldn’t meet her eyes and continued to stare steadfastly at the ceiling, but Therese could see the tears trailing down from the corner of her eyes and into her hairline. Therese reached out and took Carol’s hand and brought it up to place a kiss on her knuckles. Then she held onto it in silent support until she felt Carol finally surrender to sleep.

* * *

**Nearness**

Carol slipped further down in the bathtub, all the while ensuring that the baby wouldn’t slip from where she was reclining against her bent legs. The baby was a wriggly little thing when she was in the bath. Just like Carol, she enjoyed having the warmth of the water engulfing her body.

“Are you happy, darling?” Carol asked while making a face at the baby to get her to make that high-pitched squeal that didn’t exactly sound like a laugh yet, but nonetheless showed the baby’s delight at her mother. Carol picked up the plastic cup to pour some more warm water over the baby’s belly, which set off another squeal of delight.

“Can you smile for Mommy, baby?” Carol asked while making another face at the baby. In response the baby let out a big yawn, so Carol shifted the baby to lay on her chest. She kissed the top of her head and let herself fully relax with the comforting weight of her baby on her chest as the baby cooed softly in response to Carol’s warmth. The joy Carol felt in that moment made all the months of hardship worth it. 

* * *

**Colour**

“Look at this one,” Rindy told Therese excitedly while pointing to the drawing she was working on. Therese and Rindy were sitting together at the little kids table which Rindy had in the corner of the living room. “It’s our family,” Rindy continued, sounding very pleased with herself.

The drawing was of three stick figures and a blob with a smiley face. Two of the stick figures were bigger than the third one and clearly depicted Carol and Therese while the smaller one was Rindy. Therese tried to match Rindy’s enthusiasm for the drawing, but she only managed a stiff smile.

“When is the baby going to get here?” Rindy asked innocently while continuing to carefully colour the trees on her drawing. Therese looked over at Carol laying on the sofa, quietly listening to their conversation.

Carol got up from the sofa and came over to sit with Therese and Rindy. “It’s going to take a while longer to have the baby than we first thought,” Carol started to tell her daughter gently.

“But I thought you went to see the doctor that would help you have my baby brother or sister?” Rindy asked with a confused look on her face.

“We did, baby.” Carol tried to find the right words to explain the utter heartbreak she was feeling to her daughter. “It just didn’t work.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kind comments on the first chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I like this one, but I couldn't stare at it any longer, so here it is. 
> 
> For A, as always.

**Desire**

“I want us to have a baby.”

Carol looked up, somewhat startled at the sudden admission from Therese. 

“A baby?” she asked while continuing to sort the laundry into light and dark colours.

Therese was standing in the door opening, wringing her hands together, trying to organise her thoughts into a coherent sentence. They had talked about this before, but never made any definite plans. 

“I just…,” she started before hesitating. “I missed your pregnancy with Rindy. And I want to experience that. And I want Rindy to have a sibling.” Therese finally looked up and met Carol’s eyes. “I want us to do everything together,” she finished. Carol’s response came easily. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Therese asked while a beaming smile crept across her face, showing the dimples that Carol adored_. _

“Yeah, let’s talk about having a baby.” 

* * *

**Isolation**

“Hey, I’m home,” Therese called as she walked through the door of their apartment_. _ Her next words died on her tongue as she registered the screaming coming from somewhere in the apartment. Therese hurried into the living room where she found Carol frantically rocking the baby with tears streaming down her face while the baby sobbed in her arms. Therese’s heart broke at the sight of both her wife and daughter so clearly distressed. She quickly crossed the room, and carefully lifted the baby out of Carol’s arms to relieve her. Carol left the room without saying a word.

After managing to quiet the baby’s cries and settling her in her portable crib, Therese followed Carol down the hallway to their bedroom. Carol was lying in the middle of the bed with her back to the door. Therese walked around the bed and carefully got into bed trying her best not to disturb Carol too much. She lay down on her side facing Carol, and took in the tear streaks on her face. Therese couldn’t imagine the afternoon Carol must have had, and her heart felt heavy at the thought of Carol being alone all day. 

After a while Carol seemed to snap out of her trancelike state, and acknowledged Therese watching her. Carol met her watchful gaze before her face crumbled and the tears began to fall again. She scooted closer to Therese and buried her face in her neck. The tears soon graduated into sobs, not unlike the cries of their daughter earlier. 

“I’m not good enough,” she cried into Therese’s shoulder. “She won’t stop crying no matter what I do. I’ve tried to feed her, change her and cuddle her. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works.” The despair in Carol’s voice was clear as she pulled back for air to go on, “And I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help but compare her to Rindy, and Rindy was so easy. Even doing it all by myself was easier than this.” Carol wouldn’t meet Therese’s eyes when she admitted this to her. “I just feel so useless,” Carol finished dejectedly while finally looking up at Therese again. 

“It’s okay. I promise,” Therese said while stroking Carol’s hair to calm her. “How about we just lay here for a little while longer, and then we’ll get up and figure this out together?” Carol gave a small nod of agreeance. “You can cry some more if you need to,” Therese added with a comforting smile. “Okay,” Carol agreed again, and scooted as close to Therese as she could. “Just hold me for a little while?” Carol requested. Therese’s arms tightened around her in response. 

* * *

**Mama **

Therese walked into the living room looking a bit out of it. She walked over to Carol and sat down next to her on the sofa. Carol eyed Therese as she sat on the edge of the sofa, seemingly processing something. They sat in silence for a while until Therese finally spoke. 

“She called me Mama,” Therese said with a dazed smile. Carol was at once alert. She sat up to face Therese properly and clutched at Therese’s hands. Despite her excitement for Therese, she couldn’t help but feel a sinking feeling in her chest. 

“What? She said her first word and I missed it?” Carol asked with a hint of sadness in her voice that she tried her best to mask for Therese’s sake. 

“No, no,” Therese laughed at Carol’s obvious disappointment. “Rindy did,” she said with tears in her eyes. Carol could only beam at her in response. She had been waiting for this for so long. 

Therese’s joyful expression suddenly changed. “Is that okay?” she asked worriedly. 

“Of course it is, darling.” Carol leaned in to wrap her arms around Therese. “You’re her mom, too,” she whispered in her ear while holding her in a loving embrace.

* * *

**Anguish**

“I cleared my calendar at work for the week we talked about doing the procedure at the doctor’s,” Carol said in an offhand manner while continuing to chop vegetables for dinner. She didn’t notice how Therese suddenly had gone very still across from her. “If all goes according to plan, I guess March -” Carol started to say before she was interrupted by Therese’s hollow voice.

“I can’t. I can’t, okay?” Therese felt all the emotions she had kept bottled up since earlier that day suddenly overflow, and she couldn’t help but raise her voice even though she knew this wasn’t Carol’s fault. This was no one’s fault but her own. Carol looked pained at Therese’s words as she continued, “The doctor called this afternoon, and I can’t have a baby.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely response to this story. 
> 
> A, thank you for all your help. <3

**Life**

_ It was chaos_, Carol thought as she stopped in the doorway of the kitchen.

The baby was banging on the tray of her highchair with both hands, making the cheerios that were spread across the tray bounce around and fall to the floor, all the while yelling out every time she managed to get more of her food on the floor.

Therese was standing at the stove flipping pancakes. Carol had noticed her leaving their bed early that morning, and this must have been how she had occupied herself and their daughters, which had allowed Carol some precious hours of undisturbed sleep. In between flips she danced around the kitchen to the music that played from the speakers on the windowsill, blaring out songs from a children’s show Rindy loved.

Rindy was sitting on the countertop watching Therese, dangling her legs back and forth and hitting the cabinets below. She was busy laughing at Therese’s silly dance moves, clapping and cheering her on, and didn’t seem to notice the noise she was causing.

The kitchen itself only contributed to the overall sense of chaos. It seemed that Therese had deemed the cleanup unnecessary for the time being. The counters were overflowing with what seemed to be the entire contents of their pantry. Carol sighed and braced herself for the cleanup duties that surely would surely follow after breakfast.

Rindy looked away from Therese for a moment and caught sight of Carol in the doorway, and yelled out, “Mommy, come dance with Mama.” Therese turned around to see Carol standing there and raised an eyebrow, silently challenging her. Carol rolled her eyes at both her daughter and wife before crossing the kitchen to join them. 

* * *

**Grey**

Carol looked out the window at the grey clouds that loomed just as heavy as the ones in her mind. She sighed to herself as she looked over at her daughter who was lying on the sofa next to her, kicking her legs and chewing on one of her stuffed animals while drool slipped down her chin. Normally this sight would melt Carol’s insides, but today things just felt flat.

She leaned over to softly brush her nose against the baby’s which caused the stuffed animal to pop out of the baby’s mouth as she babbled at her mother’s sudden proximity. “At least you’re here with me, right baby?” Carol whispered to her, not expecting an answer. The baby only continued to make noises at Carol, so she kissed her forehead and settled in next to her on the sofa. 

After a while the baby started to fuss, and Carol glanced over at the clock on the wall opposite her. “Okay, baby, time for your feed and then nap,” she told her before carefully picking the baby up and cradling her against her chest. The motions of unbuttoning her shirt and folding down her nursing bra came naturally, and they both had this routine down by now. As the baby latched on, Carol once again turned her attention outside and let her mind wander while the baby fed. The soft noises from the baby nursing were almost unnoticeable in comparison to the deafening sound of solitude which Carol experienced. 

* * *

**Precious**

The feeling of the baby strapped to her body let Therese, in a private corner of her mind, allow herself to think that this was what it would have felt like if she had carried the baby within her own body. Despite the lingering twinge of sadness at the thought of it, the arrival of the baby couldn’t have made her happier. It was a feeling of bliss walking down the street with the baby resting her head against her chest and a tiny hand tightly gripping the collar of Therese’s shirt. 

Before leaving the apartment, it had been a challenge for both Therese and Carol to figure out how the baby sling worked, but after a few attempts the tiny human was tightly secured to Therese with a gap between the fabric and her chest which allowed her to see the sleeping baby’s face. Despite the baby being securely wrapped, Therese couldn’t help being nervous that the sling would somehow slip, so her arms kept drifting upwards to wrap around the baby, providing an additional layer of protection.

After Therese had completed her errands, she began the walk back to the apartment, hoping that she had allowed Carol enough time to relax by herself. Therese glanced down to see the baby staring up at her, and she smiled down at her. “Hey, baby,” Therese said, and the baby cooed at the sound of Therese’s voice before she began smacking her lips, a tell-tale sign that she was hungry. Therese’s heart swelled at the sight. “Let’s go home to Mommy.”

* * *

**Hurt**

“Here, just let me do it,” Carol said before moving to take Therese’s place by the changing mat. “She doesn’t like it if you take too long.” Therese moved out of Carol’s way and looked on as Carol quickly put on and fastened the sleepsuit. Whereas Therese’s movements had been slow and hesitant, Carol’s were quick and precise. Even though Carol’s movements were proficient, exhaustion was coming off her in waves.

Carol picked up the infant with practiced movements before she handed her over to Therese. Carol observed Therese’s slight unease at the still somewhat unfamiliar weight in her arms. She was still getting used to the feeling of holding the baby and to trust herself with being responsible for this tiny human’s life_._ Before the baby was born, Therese’s interaction with infants had been limited at best, so she hadn’t thought much about Carol taking the lead in caring for the baby. But that also didn’t mean that Therese wanted Carol to do everything.

Therese and Carol moved into the bedroom where the baby’s bassinet was placed by their bed, and Therese bent to carefully lay the baby down when Carol’s sharp voice startled her, “Watch her head.” The sharp command made Therese feel insecure about her actions, so she hesitated just as Carol came and took over. “I’ll do it,” she muttered. “Oh, okay,” Therese said quietly, before withdrawing from both Carol and the baby.

As darkness settled in the room, Therese couldn’t sleep. The heaviness in her chest had become an uncomfortable weight. “Carol,” Therese started nervously as she realised she couldn’t sleep without voicing her thoughts. She was cautious of how to word her feelings without also hurting Carol’s. “You know how before the baby came, I had almost never held a baby before?” Therese asked while staring out into the darkness of the room. When no reply came, Therese looked over at Carol to see her already asleep. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever, I struggled a bit with this and spent a lot of time at work this week. I hope you enjoy. x 
> 
> A, your help is invaluable. <3

**Unravel **

“I feel like I haven’t talked to you properly in a week,” Therese said to Carol as she plopped down on the floor next to the baby. They were lying on their backs under the baby gym, which the baby found so fascinating that she could look at the dangling animals above her as long as Carol let her. Therese lay down on the other side of Carol and the baby, and reached up to make one of the animals spin, much to their daughter’s delight. “I know what you mean. Every time we talk these days it’s either been about the baby, Rindy or both,” Carol replied. They were quiet as all three of them continued to stare up at the animals above, with each of them taking turns to reach up and spin another animal from time to time. 

“Hey,” Therese said suddenly after some time, and shifted onto her side, propping her head up so she could see Carol while talking to her. The expectant tone in her voice had Carol rising and mirroring her position. “Hey yourself,” she replied while trying to bite back a smile at Therese’s attention on her. Carol ducked her head and felt her cheeks flush as Therese continued to stare at her. Even after all this time Therese managed to unravel her with just a look. 

“Do you want to go on a date with me on Friday?” Therese asked with a cheeky grin. “I’m sure I could rope Dannie into babysitting.” Carol let out a delighted laugh at Therese’s suggestion, “I think those were the exact words you used the first time you asked me out.”

“So, is that a yes then or will you need to get back to me this time as well?” Therese asked teasingly. Carol leaned over to kiss Therese, “I didn’t do this the first time.”

* * *

**Tears **

She hadn’t cried. Carol kept eyeing Therese like she expected her to burst into tears at any moment. Therese was adamant that she didn’t need to cry, and that everything was fine. Whereas Carol cried, Therese didn’t. Carol teared up when Rindy told her she loved her and gave her an extra-long hug, she wept when Therese brought her flowers out of the blue and she sobbed at the sad ending of a movie. Carol believed that crying helped release emotions in a healthy way. But that was Carol, not her.

It had been a few days since the news that Therese was unable to carry a baby to term. After raising her voice at Carol when telling her the news, they hadn’t talked about it since despite Carol's many attempts.

“Will you stop?” Therese finally snapped. Carol looked startled at the sudden outburst from her wife. “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m fine.” Carol seemed to be on the verge of defending herself, but she only gave a defeated nod. “I just want to be there for you,” Carol whispered, more to herself than to Therese.

* * *

**Ethereal**

She was glowing. Therese had never understood what people meant when they referred to pregnant women as “glowing”, but now she could see it. Carol was radiant.

Her skin seemed to have a different look about it and her blonde hair looked golden. Therese found herself unable to take her eyes off Carol as she moved around the room. She was such a distraction that Therese had abandoned her work to instead just admire Carol as she moved around the kitchen. The swell of Carol’s stomach sent a thrill of happiness through Therese every time she caught sight of it. There was no greater sight than Carol pregnant, she decided.

Carol meanwhile was self-conscious of the weight she had gained throughout the pregnancy, and was increasingly frustrated at all her clothes that didn’t fit her anymore. But Therese adored every change in her body, and told her so often. 

“Hey, Carol,” Therese called across the room. Carol looked up to catch Therese’s eyes, and smiled at her. “You look really beautiful today.” 

* * *

**Vulnerable**

“Mommy, is the baby staying forever?” Rindy asked out of the blue one afternoon when they were sitting on the sofa together. Carol gave a bemused laugh before replying, “Of course she is, Rindy. Why wouldn’t she?” Carol noticed that this didn’t seem to be the answer her daughter had wanted, and she frowned up at her mother as she mulled over her response. “I don’t like how you never have time for me anymore,” Rindy whispered sadly and Carol felt a pang of sorrow in her chest.

Carol had tried her best to balance adding yet another member to what used to be a family of two. She had tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, and did her best to divide her time equally between her daughters. But the baby was a fussy little thing and demanded so much of Carol’s attention that she felt that she wasn’t enough for both of them. She felt like she was stretching herself thin, and with Rindy’s admission it was all she could do so as not to start crying in front of her. It seemed like she was letting her oldest daughter down. She couldn’t help but torment herself and think about all the ways in which she wasn’t good enough. Carol’s heart ached and it seemed like Rindy’s did as well. 

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” Carol said as she wrapped Rindy in a hug and buried her tears in the girl’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left. I'm afraid it will be a bit of a wait again because of a friend visiting this week. Hope you're still with me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, please enjoy. 
> 
> A, this wouldn't have happened without you. <3

**X**

“No, honey, it’s here.” Carol grasped Rindy’s hand to press it against her stomach to feel the baby kicking. 

“I can’t feel it,” Rindy mumbled sourly. “Make it kick harder, mommy!” 

They had been sitting on the sofa for a while with Rindy and Therese on either side of Carol while she tried to guide their hands to wherever the baby decided to kick next. 

Carol laughed, “I can’t make the baby do anything.” The flutters inside her stomach were constant for her, but the movement didn’t always translate to the outside world, despite her best efforts to catch the movements in time before the baby shifted again. 

Therese intervened to try and prevent a meltdown. “It’s like a treasure map, don’t you see, Rindy?” Therese asked the girl seriously. “You have to follow mommy’s hands to wherever the big X is marked, and that’s where the baby will kick.” Rindy looked puzzled by Therese’s explanation for a moment before she burst into giggles, “Okay, mama, let’s find the treasure.”

* * *

**Kiss**

“It’s like you don’t want me,” Therese whispered quietly against the baby’s head. She was rocking the infant in her arms in the hopes that it would quiet her cries. 

Therese saw Carol smothering the baby in kisses all the time and she tried to copy the action in the hopes that it would rid her of the shame of feeling detached from the baby. She tried to make herself feel the same attachment that Carol seemingly felt when she looked at their daughter. She didn’t doubt that she loved the baby any less, but Therese struggled to bond with their daughter.

She kissed the infant as she swayed back and forth in what she hoped was a soothing way. Therese tried to quell the overwhelming sense of inadequacy she felt as she was unable to do anything to comfort the baby. The guilt which had manifested in her over the last week only continued to flood her insides. 

“I’ll try to be better for you,” Therese vowed to the baby. 

* * *

**Quiver**

Carol was studying her body with narrowed eyes. She was standing in front of the mirror to see her widened hips, the roundness of her stomach and breastfeeding’s toll on her breasts. She looked awful. Therese was lying in bed, waiting for her, but Carol had lost track of time while scrutinising her flaws. 

“Carol?” Therese called. “I’ll be right there,” Carol replied. She took one last critical look at herself in the mirror before turning off the light in the bathroom and moving into the bedroom. Carol noticed Therese’s knowing gaze while she moved around the room, and pointedly ignored it and got into bed next to Therese. Carol couldn’t help but withdraw from Therese’s touch as she wrapped an arm around her rounded middle. “I know you, Carol, and I know what you’re thinking,” Therese said softly, “and you know I don’t care about how you look.”

When Carol didn’t reply, Therese shifted to lie on top of Carol. “You’re the most wonderful mom, Carol,” Therese implored. “And all these marks, they’re only proof of what you went through to bring us the greatest gifts of all.” She started to map the fine lines on her breasts with barely there kisses, causing Carol to shiver at the light touches while Therese continued her descent. Carol’s stomach quivered under Therese’s lips as she softly kissed the purple-hued lines that the pregnancies had left there. The extra weight which bothered Carol so much, was to Therese, only a testament to the sacrifices that Carol had made for them and their family.

“I am so in love with you,” Therese said as she kissed her way back up to Carol’s mouth and left a lingering kiss on her lips. “I am so in love with you and our family, you have no idea.” 

* * *

**Zigzag**

“I can’t lose this baby.” Tears were streaming down Carol’s face as the panic in her voice gradually grew with each word. Therese had her arm around Carol and was trying to steer her towards the front door, while also simultaneously gathering all their belongings to be able to leave for the hospital. 

“It was supposed to work this time, Therese.” The despair in Carol’s voice was one of the saddest things she had ever heard. It made Therese stop and turn her around to face her, while firmly grasping her upper arms to steady both herself and Carol. 

“I know this is scary, but please try to calm down until we know for sure, okay?” Carol could only jerkily nod her head in reply. 

“I’m so happy you’re here, and I don’t have to do this alone this time,” Carol whispered brokenly. Therese felt her own resolve not to cry waver as she continued to maneuver them both out the door to the waiting cab. 

* * *

**Oasis**

Therese awoke with a grunt as she got a knee to her ribs. Rindy was splayed in the middle of the bed and had seemingly just rolled over to find Therese in her way. She heard a chuckle from above and glanced up to see Carol sitting propped up in bed with the baby in her arms. “Do you still think a family nap was a good idea?” Carol asked with a smirk. Therese only rolled her eyes at Carol’s teasing and winced as Rindy flung an arm across her stomach. 

“Your daughter is a violent sleeper,” Therese said in mock seriousness. 

“Oh, she’s _ my _ daughter when she hits you in her sleep?” Carol replied dryly. 

“Exactly,” she quipped back. “She’s my daughter when she’s awake and cuddly.” 

Carol snorted and shook her head. “Fine, have it your way.” 

* * *

**Joy**

When the newborn baby was placed on her chest, all the emotions and hormones inside of Carol came to a peak, and she could only cry as she softly traced the baby’s tiny hand, which instinctively closed around her finger. “Hey, Beatrice,” Carol whispered down at her daughter. 

Therese was still holding Carol’s free hand while she caressed the baby’s back with the other. She tore her eyes away from their daughter to look over at Therese who looked a bit stunned and overwhelmed by the night’s events. Carol gave a shaky laugh and squeezed Therese’s hand to get her attention. “Look how perfect she is,” Carol said in breathless wonder. Therese could only nod in silent agreement and leaned her head against Carol’s.

“How we’ve waited for you, Bea,” Therese whispered before kissing Carol’s temple, her eyes brimming with tears.

_ Beatrice - a female given name: from a Latin word meaning “one who brings joy.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it - at least for now. Thank you for all your nice comments, it's truly meant so much. x
> 
> If you want to chat about the story or just about anything in general, you can find me hanging out over on twitter a lot. I'm @xoblanchett over there.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Any feedback is much appreciated.


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